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The makers of Kinoki Japanese detox foot pads have unveiled their new natural body detox patches. No mere incremental step forward in holistic body detoxification, these products are nothing short of revolutionary. While Kinoki detox foot pads and similar detox patches cleanse the body of toxic build-up and heavy metals, relieving chronic sufferers of such unquantifiable discomforts as low energy, restless sleep, and mild malaise, the new lines of body detox patches take aim at individual, well-defined problems, providing tangible results.

As sales of their detox foot pads wane, the Kinoki company seeks to increase its share of the natural body cleansing and holistic treatment markets with these new detox pads. Blaming the decline in foot pad sales on “rabid, ignorant naysayers obsessed with devil-phrases like 'scientific evidence,' and 'biological impossibility,'” Mei-skam U. Luongtime, a spokesman for Kinoki, expresses optimism for the new body detox patches.

“First, Research and Development explored the possibility of a patch that would cleanse the Earth of anyone who referred to our detox foot pads as a scam. R&D devised some implementable options, but each eventually reached an impasse with Legal. So, Kinoki turned to Plan B. We expect these new natural body detox pads, with more tailored purposes and concrete effects, to find long-term success by providing consumers with enough clear benefits to silence the skeptics,” said Luongtime.

Like their predecessors, the new Kinoki natural body detox pads are based on the ancient Japanese tradition of magically sucking bad things out of the body by sticking patches on it. But the new detoxification patches are far more ambitious than any holistic body detox pads previously available.

Here's a look at what is hopefully only the first wave of new body detox patches from Kinoki. In keeping with the foot pad's branding paradigm, each cleansing patch is named for the area of the body to which it is applied, while providing seemingly incongruous, if not impossible, results.

The Kinoki Detox Ass Pad

Few people are more toxic and dysfunctional than those with their heads up their asses. Incapable of seeing other points of view or engaging in meaningful communication, their insufferable personalities and self-centered ways lead to extreme difficulty accomplishing anything in life. With the Kinoki Detox Ass Pad, anyone thusly afflicted now has an exciting treatment option where before there were none, save a well-deserved but all-too-rare beat-down. Adhere this body detox pad to the buttock, centered over the crack, before going to sleep. In the morning, check the pad and be amazed to see it has extracted and trapped large chunks of your head. Repeat nightly for one to two weeks, until no more head chunks are visible on the detox pad.

The Kinoki Detox Ass Pad makes a great gift, fortunately, since those in need don't realize it. Buy the patch for a boss, that co-worker who thinks he's better than everyone else, that girl that hangs out with your friends even though she wasn't invited, or the other half of your resentful, withering marriage.

The Kinoki Detox Pelvis Pad

Besides cancer, no natural growth can wreak toxic havoc on a woman's body like pregnancy. And as if that mutating internal blob weren't enough, she must then make her way past mindless, presumably unemployed, foaming-at-the-mouth lunatics just to get into the Planned Parenthood building.

No more. The good folks at Kinoki, knowing there's nothing more woeful than an unwanted or unaffordable child, have given us the Detox Pelvis Pad to save them from their wretched fate and to give you careless women a safe, hassle-free second chance at life. Don't think of it as an abortion. This body detox patch simply drains your uterus of superfluous personage.

Apply this detox pad to your pelvis before bed. In the morning, remove the pad to see the fetal flotsam and jetsam that's been cleansed from your system. Repeat nightly until the pad appears unsullied. The detox pelvis pad is approved for use during any trimester.

Men are encouraged to purchase these body detox patches, too. Did she lie about her birth control usage to trap you in a domesticated, monogamous slow-death? Afraid of turning into your abusive, alcoholic father? Not entirely sure it's yours, but don't reckon you're trashy enough to appear on Maury? Cold feet? With a steady hand and a surreptitious touch, you should be able to apply the Kinoki Detox Pelvis Pad to your slumbering knocked-up partner. Just be sure to remove the pad before she awakens.

The Kinoki Detox Cranium Pad

Got a head full of stupid? Everyone's always laughing but you're not sure why? Them polysalami–polysilly–sillyputty–polyllamaspit–polysyllabic words is confusing? Never had a conversation last more than 45 seconds about anything besides sports? Ever quoted an Adam Sandler movie? Like a reserve of poison that you spit on everyone you speak to, stupidity is a toxic influence on your mind, heretofore untreatable.

A natural remedy for stupid has long been coveted, but this exciting prospect of a body detox patch admittedly has one drawback that may prevent widespread use. Because your head is so thick, the Kinoki Detox Cranium Pad must literally be applied to the skull. This requires cutting away a 5 inch by 5 inch patch of headflesh. We can only hope you are indeed stupid enough to try this at home.

As with other Kinoki Japanese-inspired body detox patches, apply the pad nightly for one to two weeks as needed. In the morning, you'll see the pad has collected swarms of thought-devouring bacteria that, under microscopic inspection, bear striking resemblance to miniature Jessica Simpsons and Bill O'Reillys.

The Kinoki Detox Bosom Pad

This natural body detox patch is designed to relieve the devout-afflicted of any love of the lord residing parasitically in the heart. Nothing inspires so much distrust, condemnation of your fellow man, hate, and war as a toxic build-up of religious belief. What could once only be accomplished by the most persistent demons or most unjust-seeming tragedies befalling the faithful (no, not you Job, we know you stuck to your guns), can now be yours for just one easy payment of $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

Full detoxification time with the Kinoki Detox Bosom Pad varies depending on individual strength of conviction. Success is, however, guaranteed. You'll know the body detox patch is working in the morning when, like your own personal station of the cross, you see the imprinted face of Jesus on the pad. Continue daily use until no outlines of any face appear. Do not be alarmed if, on some mornings, you see the face of false (read: other faith-related) gods, prophets, or prominent religious figures; this is a natural part of the detoxification process, cleansing remnants of peripheral information you've accumulated.

The Kinoki Detox Bosom Pad has been tested and approved for use with all Western religions. Test results have been inconclusive with Eastern religions. Use these body detox patches at your own risk for these belief systems and similar cultish variations.

Finally, thank you to Mr. Luongtime for his candid words and the Kinoki Marketing department for promotional samples of their new lines of natural body detox patches. Here's wishing you continued success at holistically cleansing people of all that ails them one sticky little allegedly Japanese pad at a time.

SPECIAL OFFER: If you found any of these Kinoki body detoxification products or their write-up herein offensive, the Kinoki company and the author want you to know they care. Out of concern that toxins are obstructing parts of your sense of humor, they will share the cost of providing you, at no personal expense, with a prototype of the Kinoki Detox Mouth Pad. Designed to absorb the toxic build-up that blocks the flow of laughter, these body detox patches are scheduled for release this fall. As the detox mouth pads still have some imperfections and require tweaking, the author suggests simply leaving the pad in place indefinitely if it is not performing its intended function. You can't lose. Leave a comment below with your full name, address, and telephone number, and we'll get the all-natural Kinoki Detox Mouth Pad out to you immediately.